Feel Like A Number

Newsflash: You very seldom get to do what you want. I was going to write about New Year's resolutions but I'm temping at a job that's leaving me frustrated because there isn't much to do and it's not what I hoped to be doing. In life. I have an interview today for another job and it's another that, if I had a choice, I'd rather not do because it feels so far away from where I'd like to be. But lately it feels like I don't have a choice. I feel stuck in yet another aspect of life. It does raise the question of What I want to Do and, looking over my resume, what I'd be qualified to do. There's what you want to do and what you have to do and, with very few exceptions, those two seldom seem to overlap. Which, I suppose, is life, innit?

I've spent the last 20 years in pursuit of something else. Now the trail has grown cold or at least the chase has temporarily stalled. I'm left temping at uninvolving jobs in a city that I no longer wish to be a part of. There are plans to get out, to begin a new phase with new pursuits, but right now it feels like a distant target.

I've been trying to dive into other aspects to compensate for the holding pattern my the rest of my life seems stuck in. The books, blog, drawing, photos, trips to galleries, trying to write another short film, contemplation about reviving Godot again help allay the shiftlessness. But there are also days that I feel stuck and directionless, where the drudgery and uncertainty of uninspiring, passionless job situations leave me struggling in the mud and saps whatever energy I have.

Man, don't you wish you had a nice cheese plate to go with all this whine?