Digging in the Dirt

I started writing this post three or four times, each time erasing what I wrote and starting again. I was trying to come up with some kind of high-falutin' introduction meant to somehow impress all two or three readers and I kept getting in my own way and grinding to a halt - which is actually the perfect way to begin what I wanted to write about. I did a reading of a play Monday night and, coupled with a cold reading I did last week, some ghosts are getting stirred. Long story short, I came to New York a long time ago to be a pro-fessional actor, got disillusioned and then lost. Acting is the only thing I ever thought I was good at but on my road to disenchantment, getting lost while trying to figure out the Business of being a Professional Actor®, doing bad plays for no money, picking up bad habits and a bad attitude, I was surprised to find that acting was no longer something I enjoyed - one probable reason being that I was never doing enough of it or, when I was, it was more often than not something that I couldn't wait to be out of. Acting was becoming too much like a job. I decided to stop and focus solely on what I was most passionate about - Tangent, which though successful for a while, eventually ran out of momentum due to the usual: money, manpower and material, and has left me a stalled vehicle in the middle of nowhere.

My wife has constantly encouraged me to get back in the acting game, as have friends and family, but I've always hesitated and I don't know why. Fear, I'm sure. Insecurity, no doubt. I am never less than confident in a rehearsal room or on stage, but in having to talk - to sell - as a part of the business of getting ahead, I step back. How can an actor distinguish oneself in conversation and not on stage? I know there are a lot out there who can and do, but my lack of confidence in conversation belies my confidence as an actor. I always wanted, hoped, to catch a break on a stage not in an office, but I don't think it works that way anymore, if it ever did. It's a world where people want to be worked, glad-handed, be told what they want to hear and not what you think, which is always difficult for me. So my game needs to step up. It's been so long since I've been in the game I no longer know the rules or the players, and I wonder if I have the energy and inclination to start from zero again. Most of the time won't be spent on a stage but working the people, the angles, in the attempt to scale the ladder. There are so many doors leading to the stage now. Some need keys and some need connections to get you through. I can get lost in self-righteousness thinking that it shouldn't be this way and remain sittting, arms folded, unemployed. And I wonder if all this is worth it, if this is what made me lose my taste for it five or six years ago. Will it eventually feel a job again and not stay the craft that I love so much I do it for nothing? These all may be excuses for inaction, but it also raises the biggest questions of all: why am I doing this and what do I want? The simplest questions are, for me, the hardest to answer.

See what I mean about me getting in my own way? I also can get ahead of myself. Here's the thing. I had a great time rehearsing for and playing in this reading. I was reminded that I love acting, working with and off other talented actors on challenging material. Not complicated at all. The Business doesn't figure into this modest equation, yet it eventually works its way in under the door and the monster stands, unblinking, before me. I think I've looked for my corner to do what I want, keeping it on a small scale in tiny, dusty theaters to avoid interference, to keep the monster at bay. To join the race again means relinquishing control of what I would like to do as an actor and befriending the monster. There’s the rub. So. Here I am. Is it my head or my gut getting in the way? And what am I going to do about it?

The simplest questions are the hardest to answer.